Christmas Wish list

           Christmas time is almost here! I have been singing Christmas songs, twirling with the kids in my playgroup, coloring candycanes, reading Christmas stories and the Nativity story, listening to Christmas music and the other night watched White Christmas. I love this season. I love the warm, family memories. I love the excitement of Christmas light seeing. The smells. But preparing for Christmas has been a little different this year. I had to wait until after Thanksgiving to listen to Christmas music (okay...i cheated a few times!), I didn't get to pick out a tree, crush the needles and have that Christmas smell follow me. But I have read the Nativity Story over and over. After asking my class one why do we celebrate Christmas and getting answers about Santa, presents, "25th December!" (poor confused kid...), Father Christmas but not one about Jesus I've made sure that everyday I tell/remind them about the Nativity story. And one little boy got it telling me "Baby Jesus is the gift". At the end of every class we go over "what is christmas about?" (me)   "JESUS!" or "BABY GOD" (the kids). In this season remembering the Greatest of Gifts I wish you a Merry Christmas, full of joy and laughter. 

Here is my (with Amanda's) Christmas Wish List for the boys and school! I will be home for Christmas and am hoping to fill up my luggage with fun things for the boys and the school!

 STUFF FOR THE BOYS:

z   Spiderman stickers

z   Hawaiian candies

z   Stickers

z   Crafts

z   Easter story in Eggs

z   Cake decorations (the kind you eat!)

z   Spiderman band aids

z   Fun candies (like pop rocks)

z   Jell-O

z   Pudding mixes, cake mixes, cookie mixes

z   Chocolates for birthdays (the little square ones work really well)

z   Seasonal/special/fun pencils

z   Coloring books/activity books

z   Puzzles

z   Games: catch phrase, pictionary, cards ect

z   Superhero coloring books

z   Floaties for the pool/ pool toys (like diving stuff)

z   Storybooks! Storybooks! Storybooks!

z   Toys like building blocks, or legos

z   Magazines

z   Flavored toothpaste

z   Adventures in Odyssey

z   Things about sharks/under the water

z   Growing sharks/ dolphins/animals

(some ideas from Amanda!)

• fun toothpaste
• Big Red chewing gum
• storybooks- yellow "Where's Waldo" book, I-spy, "Eyes on Adventure"/"Eyes on Nature" books, "Treasure of Illustrated Classics," ANY books!
• old calendars (the pictures are great for bulletin boards!)
• children’s devotionals
• "Walk through the New Testament"
• fun boys’ underwear (sizes: 6-12; at least 16 pairs)
• boys’ socks (all sizes, white/gray medium-length athletic)
• kids DVDs: (preferably not cartoon versions) Robin Hood, 101 Dalmatians, Little Rascals, Veggie Tales, etc.
• bigger boys DVDs: (action, comedy, CLEAN!)
• fun things for birthdays (glow sticks, trinkets, prizes... about 20 each)

And a few big ones... 

• money for school computers: $500 (x10 computers)
• money for remodeling the boys’ bathrooms: $3,500 (x2 bathrooms)
• money for new tractor: $7,000

                              STUFF FOR SCHOOL:

*    Folders

*     Binders

*  Scissors! (each classroom only has one pair!)

*   Worksheets!

*   Art supplies (glue sticks, markers, ect)

*    Plastic eggs

*   Crafts

*   Hula hoops

*  Activity idea books

* Missionary stories

*    Flannels (the bible story ones!)

* Sunday school materials (for moral science class)

*  Cotton balls

*    Hawaiian storybooks

*  Foam crafts

picnic joys

Indian Kalana 

I LOVE picnics. Always have and am planning on continuing to do so. When I first heard the rumors about a field trip at school I stated wishing I could go. Trying to decide the best way to ask to be allowed. The day of the picnic arrived and I (oh so casually) told Frieda that if they needed anymore chaperones I would be willing to go. Of course the excited jumping after she told me I could go gave me away :)

It was for both class twos. One I do Life Skills (Christian take on life) with on Friday mornings. It was really fun to get to be with them more and get to play with them!

I loved it!

We went to this beautiful old Maharajah's palace. I loved it from the first glimpse. Sadly a large gate and lock separated us. So what did we do? We took the 60+ kids and jumped the wall, trekked around the back side and got in.

Then reminding me I was in India we sent the bus driver to look for the guard to unlock the door so we could leave easily. My feelings were more of hide from the guard if he came! We had broken in! But this is India.

My buddy

 It was breaking down and over grown and absolutely magical. I could have spent hours roaming around the rooms, playing in the twists and turns, and loving the beauty.

I see you!

Superman Bharat

The kids were awesome! Fun and talkative (Class Two B's English is amazing! They understand everything and can respond!!!). And so generous with their tiffins (snacks) especially with the spicy chips [not my favorite!].

What can be better than a day off school spent in a lovely bus ride, "exploring" to get to a palace, eating a yummy lunch, and exploring in the ruins of a palace?

It was one of those days that you just enjoy!

School ideas?

To all you wonderful mothers! Especially you home schooling moms: When I come home I’m going to be trying to gather school things and teaching tools. I want to bring back worksheets, new ideas, posters, creative ways of learning…really what I need is fun, colorful ways to teach! If you have any ideas, thoughts, old material or words of wisdom I would really appreciate it! I especially want fun spelling and math things to do with the boys. Oh, and worksheets that go with a story are really great! Thanks so much! 

Childrens' Day

The Class

A whole day devoted to fun, playing, sweets, and enjoying. I got all dressed up; straightened my hair, put on make up and even borrowed a suit from Kelly. The big kids told me I looked like a doll. the little kids simply amused themselves by pullingand twisting it up and playing with my hair.

Kanu Priya and I

Fun Pictures

It was a really fun day. The kids also got very dressed up in "special" outfits that make you cringe. One was in pink fake leather from head to toe. Seriously a hat and boots came with it. But you have to love it. I love these kids!

Abhinav

Little Abhinav is my new best friend. Everyday I have to feed him his tiffin (snack) and he is one of the few kids that still hasn't caught on to the fact that I can't understand Hindi. So we spend the whole time laughing as he tells me story after story with him laughing at the story and me laughing with him. His little giggle is impossible to resist!  He also gives me frowns and dirty looks when I try to speak to him in English. He also assumes that my tiffin is his tiffin and he gets to eat as much as he wants of it. I love this kid!

Ayan with his "I don't WANT to take another picture!!" face

Ayan Gurung is one of the smartest little ones. But so naughty. He's one that I try his shoelaces together when it's time to sit and listen. His english is terrible. After three months he can finally say "Mam-ji please tie my shoes!" which I do in double bows and then he kisses my cheek and says "fank you mam!". He and some of the other kids will seriously untie their shoes so I will tie them again. It drives me crazy. the double bows help a lot though!

Iticha and I

Some favorite Pictures

Mukund

Kanu Priya and I

Rahul

Mukund and I

My bus buddy (for the picnic) John and I

John is one of the smartest kids I've ever met. He remembers everything! We've been playing Bible trivia and he stumps me a good amount with crazy random questions . He memorized the Books of The Old Testament in one thirty minute devotion. The other night when I stumped him on a trivia question ("I haven't read that yet" he said) I asked him if he wanted me to tell him the answer of if he wanted to read it and find out...he wanted to find out for himself. 

Ratan

My little Buddy Abhinav from Play Group

Ratan's "Popeye" look...thats the muscle "I use for moving mountains!"

Playgroup

The Wedding. The Sari. The Hena.

The Saris

Meeting with God

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you all have a wonderful day. Mine just ended and I have to say it was the best Thanksgiving I've ever spent away from Family (of course it's the ONLY one I've spent away from family!). We were invited over to Scot (US) and Melanie's (England) house for Thanksgiving. After school we headed into Derha Doon. Once we got here we all got in the kitchen and laughed and talked our way through an "American" Indian thanksgiving. Chicken for turkey, a cornbread stuffing, corn-tomato-onion salad, mashed potatoes (that Amanda and I just couldn't get to taste "Like Mom's"), greenbean casserole, chow mein, pumpkin pie, coke floats, and chocolate chip cookies. It was a lovely feast. We all felt that familiar "thanksgiving" stomach ache from eating so much. there was even a family with three little girls (5, 2, and 9 months) and their girly little chatter and laughter made it feel like home. We played games and talked and ate. It was a lovely day and the excitement of going to a party helped to keep the homesick feelings at bay. It was so wonderful of Scot and Melanie to open up their home to us (they are also letting us spend the night and use their internet!). I want to be that open with my home someday, to remember the hospitality that has been so comforting here!


Some of the top things I am thankful for:
~Amanda, Ruth, Kelly and Nibha: Friends that make living here possible!
~My family and getting to see them in just a few weeks
~For wonderful friends back home (Angela, Madison and Riley especially)
~For getting to live in India
~For JOY




*~*~*~HAPPY THANKSGIVING~*~*~*

Home in 24 days

I'll be home in 24 days. In less than four weeks I'll be at home! My excitement is somewhat confusing. I love India, I love the boys, I am happy. But I still find myself doing the countdown. Having this break in sight it makes handling anything seem easy, "I can do this only 24 more day....24 days....24 days". Even the not working, very frustrating internet is almost a joke. As i sit and wait for that fourth little light "In 24 days I get to have internet and power that never goes off". And the ever growing list of things i want to do (snuggle with my mom, go paddling with dad, sleep with maile, make a gingerbread house, wear strapless, get my tan back, be with friends, BEACH, church...) and the list of foods I want to eat (meat! mexican! salad! chicken! hawaiian! mary katherine's!..) make me more and more excited. I think each list is over a page long typed! Spending my first real holiday away from home made me realize that I really am not ready to be away for Christmas. Being in India has really opened my eyes to how wonderful my family is. Every child thinks their family is the best, but even if I searched the whole world I could not make a mother and father, and sisters and brother that I could love more or that would be better for me. I can't wait for the snuggles and talks with Mom. 

I am so thankful that I get to go home. I miss my family so much! But I am also very glad that I get to come back. I'm starting to really pray a lot about what to do next year. I would love if you would join me in praying about where I am to go after May! 

the EEEEWWWWWWWWWW continues

So in my note "eeeeeeewwwwwwww!" i explained about the spider scare. And my ending hope that it was over...well it wasn't. the very next day I went into the bathroom and the wall was once again marred by a giant, withering mass of spiders and legs. At least 15 nasty spiders. I HATE these spiders!They really disgust me. So I glared at this mass, asked God an exhasperated “WHY?! Why is this happening to me?” and tried to get ready to kill them. However, I was “saved by the bell” I had to get to school. So saying a quick prayer that when I got back the spiders would be gone I went to school. All day I was worried… about them still being there, and even more if they weren’t in the bathroom but were instead in my bed, in my clothes! As soon as school ended I bravely (meaning I talked to myself, shivered, and took forever) opened the door. The mass was still there. So I again smacked them with my slipper, this time I had thought a little more and was wearing one pair and holding another one. Screaming and squealing I eventually had killed them all. I felt sick. I can’t do this everyday. I can’t live with this many spiders! So I cried to Kelly and she, wisely, informed me that if I wanted them to stop I needed to kill all the spiders outside around the door. Gathering my courage I stepped outside ready to be brave and fled back inside after looking at the size of the spiders and webs. In a moment of pure genius I filled up my bath/washing bucket with oxyclean and water. I then splashed the soapy water over the spiders. It was accompanied by many, many screams. It took an hour at least. It still gives me goose bumps to think about it.

There was the grandfather spider. He was huge, ugly and surrounded by thick cobwebs. Majorly ewww. I had my little pourer of water in one hand and my slipper in the other. I tried to smack him but, of course, got scared at the last minute and jerked back. Which caused my hand holding the water to fly up dousing me with cold, soapy water. I was pretty scared. After calming myself down I tried to throw my slipper at him. Again if you know me, you can probably guess how that ended. I missed the spider and my slipper went flying off the lani. Finally I killed them all. I was so proud.

But the next day there were a few more. And the day after that a couple more. I can’t go into the bathroom without my slippers because there’s ALWAYS a spider. And my deep horror is that they will get into my room and in my bed and clothes. Major ewwwww!!!!!!!

A weekend away

This last weekend we (the volunteers) headed up to Mussoorie. The school was taking some students up to watch a play at Woodstock and we were able to get a free ride up. Well, maybe not free the price was a little high: sit through a high school enactment of the play Mort. Amanda and I were counting down the scenes left to go. But once the play was over and we saw the buss on its way we were free to go to the Swansons’ house. 

(Hawaii follows everywhere! if you can't see it says "Hawaiian Fantasy")

The Swansons are an amazing couple who work at Woodstock and have opened their home up to us twice…and they allow us to fully raid their cupboard. Which we did, we waited for their kids to leave the kitchen and then went on a full out scouting. They had ice-cream and cinnamon bread and brown bread and cheese and cookies. We also went to a great Indian restaurant and again visited the Tip Top Teahouse where we had mango lassis and split pizza, omlet, and a cinnamon pancake. (Can you get that I’m excited about food?). oh did I mention the HOT SHOWERS? If you know me, pretty much at all, you know how I love my long hot showers. (Pretty much planning on taking an hour long bath everyday over Christmas!) But as amazing as the hot showers and food were (and they really were!) the best part of the weekend was being away with God.

      Mussoorie is this town way up on the mountain, with views of the Himalayas all around. Green peak after green peak and some snow covered ones too. Cold enough that you could see your breath all day long. It’s calm. Peaceful. A perfect place to meet with God. It was an amazing three days of hearing from God and enjoying being with him.

      Also I got to do something close to one of my dreams. I have this fantasy dream of being in this beautiful house by a warm fire talking and laughing while it’s snowing outside, ofcourse there MUST be a window seat.  One night we sat by this little metal fire thing and I felt like it was cold enough to be snowing. We talked until the fire died out. It was really fun. 

JOY!

Life has been really good lately. Over the past few weeks God has totally taken away my sadness and replaced it with joy. A joy that has absolutely nothing to do with how my day went…which is what I desperately needed. I felt like I was in a desert, my heart dry and parched but now I feel like I am in the midst of God’s joy.  It’s absolutely lovely. 

Brrr! I'm COLD!

 It’s getting to be COLD now. Every morning and night it’s cold enough to see your breath. Which at first I thought was so cool! I would walk back to the house with my head up watching…now as it’s not so amazing. It’s cold. From my spoiled Hawaii growing up I still get shocked in the mornings. And when I run outside real fast to get something and my toes start to tingle I’m always shocked. But it’s fun, getting to experience seasons. For the most part I enjoy it, or can at least talk myself into thinking I like it. Wearing layers and layers. I LOVE my leggings! But the worst part about the cold is easy. I hate my bathroom. It’s the door to the lani. So the cold air comes through the cracks! And it’s cold! Of course I haven’t taken an actual shower  (in my bathroom) for at least a month…maybe two. I have tried a few times, walked bravely into the bathroom and have even gotten a layer or two off before the cold hits me and I realize how silly it would be to get under freezing cold water. So whenever I want to take a “shower” I have to fill up the water heater, plug it in and wait an hour. Then I mix the boiling water with freezing water from the tap. I then stand in a bucket and pour scoops of water over me. And this is how cold my bathroom is: the water is so hot it makes my chest and shoulders turn bright red but is cold by the time it gets to my ankles. It’s COLD. 

EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just thought I should share some about me conquering my fears.

 Fear number one: heights.  But I have conquered. I now climb up to our roof easily and even can come down with minimal hesitation. To get to the roof I have to climb onto the rail on our second floor lani, from here I hold onto the pole and swing my leg up to this little ledge below the roof, then pull myself up, and step up to the roof. Getting down is scary because you have to just blindly put your legs down making sure you don’t fall by holding onto the pole. But anyways now I can do it! With almost no fear (the other night I did it in the dark!). 

Fear number two: definitely the bigger fear: spiders. If you know me well at all, you know how spiders terrify me! But I was pretty proud of myself, not screaming when I see them and they really are EVERYWHERE, being able to kill them (yes my fear was big enough that I couldn’t kill them), not screaming when I see the spiders that are always in the bathroom (no matter how many times I kill them), not freaking out when I walked through a web. Really I felt like I had finally gotten over my fear but that delusion came crashing down this morning. What happened? Well I went into the bathroom started filling up a bucket of water (our toilet doesn’t flush, we have to use a bucket to flush it), look back at the bucket and see a huge black mass on the wall. Then I realize that the mass is probably fifteen or twenty GROWN spiders!! Not babies just hatched, this was a little spider convention. And they weren’t the daddy longlegs—they were the ones that are really ugly with thick, black circles of bodies and long dangling legs. Shivers. My first thought was “I’ve been lied to”. See everyone has always told me that spiders don’t live in families, don’t have “friends” wouldn’t come to attack me if I killed one of their friends. But that mass, that was a family spiders. So I of course screamed, ran out of the bathroom and tried to decide what to do. I was alone in the house. After a few minutes of courage building I ventured into the bathroom armed with a slipper. Hoping that somehow they would already be dead, unfortunately no. So I braved the moving mass of legs and slammed my slipper in the middle. Scary! It was like a movie from all sides of my shoe spiders went running. That set me off screaming again. I threw my slipper as a spider crawled up from it towards my hand. Now I was unarmed. The slipper was no longer my weapon but a trap. I picked up the bucket of water and threw the water against the wall…really sometimes I just don’t think! A wave of water and spiders came rushing back at me after hitting the wall, once again sending me screaming out of the room. Grabbing another slipper I again venture in to finish the job. Slapping somewhat randomly against the walls and floor I finally freed the bathroom of the spiders…at least I hope!

"New" Boys

Narotum moved up to the “big boys” and John, Anshuman, and Ajay moved down to the little boys. I love having the three “new” boys. I hadn’t had a whole bunch of time with the “middle boys” but now that they’re with us I’m having so much fun with them! Ajay totally stole my heart in minutes. He is so cuddly. Which of course I love! Wanting to read stories and for me to tell him stories. I really like him. He’s adorable! All the “new” boys are very friendly and really sweet. I’m so glad they moved down. I’ve wanted to get to be with them and this new arrangement is perfect!

Ajay’s mother had come down to see him and brought him a whole bunch of goodies: numkeen (Indian trail mix), chips, cookies, some other stuff and these really yummy fried dessert things. Ajay called me to his room and was so excited to show me everything his mother had brought, and very excited to share one of his special sweets. He took one out for me and then carefully folded the bag and put it back in his box. When I broke it in half and insisted he share it with me, he was actually thankful to me! His generosity and sweetness is so amazing.

Last night as I was putting them to sleep I took a book away from one of the boys, some Dr. Suese type book about a fish that keeps growing, Fish out of Water. One of the boys then asked me to read it to him, and soon I was walking around the room showing every picture to every boy. It was amazingly precious reading this little kid story to these boys who were just enjoying a story while falling asleep.

Ajay these last few nights keeps asking if I will come sit with him while he falls asleep. He tells me to “hurry please, mam” when I’m helping someone with homework and can’t right away. Once I get to his bed he scoots over so I can sit next to him and play with his hair or rub his hand or face. “Please tell me a story” and after I’m done he will tell me a story or just talk. Now I’m trying to divide the time between Mukund (who always wants me to sit with him and read him stories till he falls asleep) and the big boys room. Sleep time is one of my favorite times of the day.

Refreshed

We had a youth group (from England) come for a few days…they helped in the school and did fun devotions with the boys. It was really cool ‘cause some of them were boys and our boys had so much fun having arm wrestling wars (the group had some really strong boys) and other “boy stuff”. The boys LOVE male attention. On one of the nights the group met together for a time of worship and communion, and invited the volunteers to join them. It was so amazing. I had been feeling very dry, missing the worship and fellowship back home. My Sunday church is singing a couple English songs, clapping through a few Hindi songs and then going to Sunday school. I missed the times of deep worship. As soon as the first song started I started crying, it was exactly what I needed. God told me he was putting a balm on my “dry heart”. I felt so rejuvenated singing and worshipping. After awesome worship we took communion. I hadn’t had communion since coming to India (it had been almost three months). Then we broke up into small groups and spent time praying for each person. It was really cool to get to pray for other people like that. Going before God asking him to give you visions and words to tell this person that you don’t know… It’s so amazing to be able to speak God’s words. I really enjoyed the time of prayer.  It was really refreshing to be prayed over as well. One girl got a vision of God walking beside me but he’s holding out his hand to me. Which was exactly what I needed. I had been asking God for more of him, for a deeper relationship and to hear that God not only could give me that relationship but that he was reaching his hand out to me…was simply amazing. They also prayed a refreshing of the Holy Spirit and encouragement over me. It was wonderful.

            (The Mustard field is where I love to go and pray and just enjoy God's Beauty)

On Sunday we had a bit of a different church. Some of the older boys had a school function in the morning so we had church I the evening and it consisted of worship. We all stayed together and worshipped. It was really good. Special times with God. It seems like these last few days have been high highs and real low lows, one right after the other. Up down Up down, over and over. Maybe it’s just the contrast of the two that make them seem so sharp. But God is Good. These are some verses of promise that I have been clinging to in the rollercoaster. Amanda gave me this verse for when times are especially hard “Return, Oh my soul, to your rest. For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you” (Psalm 116:7). In the hard times to stop, tell your soul to quiet and rest in God and to remember his faithfulness and goodness of the past. “…He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion…”(Philippians 1:6). Sometimes it’s easy to see God’s goodness, when life is easy and sweet it’s easy to say God is good but, when the hard times come, there it takes faith and God to be able to say “God is good and has good things for me”. “All things work together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). 

Halloween

Ooops! I mean Fall Festival! We had so much fun! The house parents finally took a weekend off and headed up to Mussoori and we had the boys all weekend. It was so much fun!

 Kelly’s mom had made red superhero capes and the boys had so much fun running around as Superman and Batman and Spiderman.

So on Saturday morning we headed over to the boys to work on their costumes. All the boys did such great jobs; they are all so artistic and creative! It was fun to see them all be different. I was so surprised at their idivisuality. In the school the kids are artistic but not at all creative. They just copy each other. I was expecting the same with the boys on their costumes (Honestly I was expecting all Spidermans). But we only had one repeat: Superman. All of the boys were adorable. Miraj was an adorable little “101 Dalmatian puppy”, Rahul was the cutest Santa I have ever seen. All the boys did so well! We had Aslan [the adorable Mukund], the Evil King (from Narnia 2)[John], Reepacheep (the fighting mouse) [Ratan, who was seriously so adorable!], Thapa and Ashish were Superman, A surprise appearance by Batman [Bharat who had been planning on being Robin Hood], a wild jungleman [Ajay, who danced down the “runway”], Shubam was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, Where’s Waldo? [Anshuman], Sumeat was King Peter, and a terrifying ghost: Pradeep [who actually scared one of the girls], Sharon (Joseph Uncle’s daughter) was a beautiful princess, and Susana (her sister) was a peacock!

            Us volunteers got quiet dresses up too! We had a “red Indian” (Ruth), the Taj Mahal (Amanda), a Peacock (Kelly) and I?

My costume: I was an alien. The plan was so simple: 1. Put hair into little knobby buns. 2. Paint on extra eyes 3. Tie two pairs of pants on, with a leg in each pair thus creating four “legs” 4. Put a long sleeve top through the armholes of my kurta top 5. Stuff the extra appendages to look like arms or legs. And here was the difficulty I was not anticipating! It seriously took me soooo long to make the legs look close to right.

In the end it all turned out well and we had fun with a “fashion show”, special Indian sweets and smosas, soda, a cake and a special goody bag with toffees, peanuts, scary spider rings and bananas from Kelly! It was the best Halloween! It was so fun to take a day with no homework and just enjoy being with each other. Dressing up and talking and laughing. A party was just what was needed! 

(pictures not loading but facebook has the album! or you can look at amanda's blog to see pictures!)

Low point

This is something I wrote a little bit ago… I shared this with the girls the other night. Amanda assured me it was a lie. That God called me, Kalana here for a reason. That I’m not just a “place holder”. It was wonderful to talk it out and really just sharing made such a huge difference in my heart…but I guess I want you to know some things that have been going on in my heart. I don’t want to only share the good times…I have good times and bad times. And this was written in one of my lowest points. But sometimes it’s at those lowest points where God can reach in and teach and love. I’ve never needed God so much.

I feel so lonely. So isolated. I don’t know if I have ever felt isolation to this extent ever before. I finally gave into tears and once they started it took me a good forty minutes to get myself back under control.

I love it here, really I do. Most of the time the boys are so fun, I enjoy being with them. There are times where they just cuddle right up to me and I feel like I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. Moments of pure joy, the purest joy I have even been a part of.

And then there is my heart. My heart that has never felt so alone. My heart that has never faced such constant rejection. Now the rejection isn’t real, it’s a game the boys play. Trying to hurt my feelings, telling me things like “go away and never come back” (Lion King [in case you missed it]), “I will never call you didi” (the Hindi word for “older sister”, similar to Hawaiian “aunty”, what they call Nibha), and other such similar joking, teasing, rejection. I thought I knew this joking rejection (certain someones and their sarcasm) but I knew it only with way more love and acceptance constantly coming from others. For every joke there was ten loves. But here it is rejection after rejection after rejection with tiny little bits of love. Ahh…like Mukund telling me the other night as he was about to fall asleep “I love you didi”…of course this came after the night before where he told me “I will never love you. I will never call you didi”.

I have never felt so alone. I miss having people know me. I’m not Kalana here, I’m a volunteer. Filling a role temporarily. I help at the school, help with homework, love on the boys, read stories, help with Sunday school…but all that I do could easily be done by someone else. Just as I have taken another’s place so some shall take mine. And the difference won’t be missed. The role will be filled. I feel utterly useless as me. Kalana is nothing. It feels awful to be nothing but a shadow passing though.

I do not feel pursued. Not in a romantic way (although there is none of that either!) but in a genuine ‘I love and care about you and want to know what is in your heart.  I want to know you’ type of way. I miss going out to coffee and talking. I MISS being KALANA! I miss being able to pick up the phone and call somebody. I feel so isolated. I looked at one of those blow-up ball globes and literally I’m half way around the world, alone. 

And I’m missing being loved quite terribly right now. And it’s not to say the boys don’t love me, tonight I was snuggled up between two boys, but again it’s not Kalana I’m simply filling a role until the next volunteer comes. I miss being known. And being loved despite my faults, and hugs, and long talks, and being with people that I love.

***Another “new” note on this. After sharing with the girls and seeing the lies I was allowing (basically all of the ‘I’m only a volunteer not Kalana stuff) I don’t feel so burdened down. Although it is something I would love prayer for because it’s a hard lie to fight. And I don’t want you to think that I have been horrible and felt horrible for weeks and weeks, there are moments where I definitely feel the lowest I ever had but they are right in-between some of the best moments of my life. Twenty minutes before I was crying I was cracking up with the boys. *** 

So far behind!

The internet has not been working! I'll try to get some posts up soon!

HOME FOR CHRISTMAS?!?!

My Christmas break plans keep changing… I just can’t decide what to do! There are so many possibilities… and every time I decide on what I want/am going to do it either becomes impossible or I start to question if that’s really what I want to do. But I have to decide fast. Right now I have three options (that I like and am considering): 1^st I could just take a day train to Nepal and get my visa stamped (I have to leave the country every 190 days) and come back and be with the boys, 2^nd I could go to a Thai Island and have a little break, go to the beach and have a little adventure, or lastly I could go HOME! Ahhh….I love even thinking about going home. 

But I need to think this out some pros and cons:

Staying with the boys and just doing a same day train to and from Nepal

                        Pros:                                                                       

~It would be fun to be here for Christmas, plus the boys already think that I will be here for Christmas and were happy that I said I would.

~I love being with the boys

~ Cheapest of the options

~Ummmm…. Basically just because of the boys I would want to do it…

                        Cons:

~I wouldn’t get to see family

~ It would be cold

~All the other volunteers are going to be gone for at least part of the break…I would probably get lonely…

~The train ride would be boring.

Thai Island

                        Pros:

~I could be here for Christmas and leave after, so I would have a vacation and get to be here with the boys for Christmas!

~Beach= warm, sand, water, laying in the sun…. be like home

~Getting my tan back

~ Cheaper than going home (about $300 for the flight and maybe another couple hundred that I would need there)

~Could wear pants that don’t come up past my belly button (and YES that’s a major plus!)

~I really want to go to the Thai Islands…at some point! And I’m so close…

                        Cons:

~I would be by myself so: I would be SUPER lonely

~It would be scary to be alone

~The beach would just be a substitute for home…

~Again, LONELY!

~ I would still be missing home and family

Going HOME

                        Pros:

~Seeing FAMILY!

~Being with friends

~The Beach!

~ Eating the foods I miss…meat!

~ Hot showers, hot long baths, my clothes, not being stared at for my “white skin”

~Getting my tan back

~Getting to hug my mom

~Movies with my sister

~ Dad’s apple cider

~Seeing Paka and Ruth before they leave

~The fact that I’m crying with homesickness right now

~ Being at home!

~Being at home for the Christmas Eve service

~Making cookies with Angela

~Driving a car!

~Seeing Hope, Tyler, Jeremy, Jesse, Hailey and all the other kids back home…J

~I could bring back the stuff I need or want for the boys
~ Sleeping in a soft bed
~Waking up and seeing my family
~Beach with Madie
~Uncle Paul's Christmas bread wonderfulness
~Now this is silly and don't take this wrong BUT to be able to talk to males without worrying that they think I'm flirting and stepping over cultural lines!
~Gingerbread men with Riley
~Waking up and going to sleep with Mama's christmas music
~Christmas dinner
~STOCKINGS!
~The wonderful warmth and breeze of Hawaii
~Hearing "normal" english
~SUSHI
~A break from being teased in a language I don't understand
~Putting my toes in the sand
~did i already say HOT WATER?!
~not being called mam
~having Maile paint my nails
~not having 8 spiders in my room ALWAYS
~ I need to stop I'm in tears missing home...once I start thinking about home all that i miss comes crashing on me. 

                        Cons:

~It would be expensive (the ticket alone would be like $1,700)

~It would be so short…just over two weeks…

~LONG TRAVEL time ALONE…like two days on each side! I would be bored and lonely

~Not being with the boys for Christmas

~ Not an “adventure”

~I feel like I’m being weak for not being unable to stay away from home for the whole time

I want to come home...I mean for Christmas, I’m happy here and I know this is where God wants me. But I’m getting homesick.

I miss my family.

I want to be home for Christmas.

I really, really want to come home.

I think that I know my answer…but that means I need to buy my ticket this week!

Please pray for a supernatural amazing deal on airfare! J and to all you in Hawaii I can’t wait to see you! I’M COMING HOME!!!! I’M COMING HOME!!!!  I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!!!! I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!!! I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!