Hard day

            I had my first really hard day this last week on Monday. It was a hard day, and the boys were just mocking and mocking me and I got so frustrated I left in tears. But Amanda said something that really resonated with me. She said that we’re not here for how the boys make us feel, we’re not here to feel loved, we’re not here to feel appreciated, we’re not here for us. And that really made me stop and think. Because I am here for the boys, because God called me, and that means that I have to sacrifice my feelings and it isn’t about me. And I knew that it wasn’t about me and I was here to serve…I just hadn’t thought about what that meant for my feelings. It took me awhile but finally I was able to give to God that I would sacrifice feeling “loved”, or “special”, “appreciated” and even “needed” to be where he wants me. And that pouring into these boys’ lives is worth more than how I feel. It was really hard because I think part of me was expecting to come to India and for it to be really hard but that I would be so loved by the boys, and really feel like I was doing something so important. And God just needed me to realize that he’s called me here for the boys and not for me, and so that means giving up all of me.

            And the next day was a little hard, but better. And the day after was amazing, I felt so loved and had so much fun with the boys. And since then I’ve had so much fun, the boys have been loving and sweet and it’s just been amazing.  Like Amanda also said, “Most of the time the boys are loving and you feel purposed and appreciated but there will be times of mocking, not listening, not feeling appreciated and them really hurting you” and it’s a decision to believe and walk in that God has called me here, is using me and it’s about the boys not about me. It’s so easy to say that it’s about the boys and not me, the whole time I have been here I would have easily said that, or acknowledged it as truth, but when it comes down to the little things, like how I feel, it was a struggle. But since giving my feelings to God, it’s made a huge difference! And I have had a really blessed last couple of days. And I know there will be many more times that I will have to stop and give my emotions and hurt feelings to God, but fulfillment from God is worth the struggle.